Creating nice work/life boundaries
Think fences, not walls.
Hi all! We’re loving being in your inboxes on Friday and want to ask a quick question:
When it comes to inspo for nice work: what’s your ideal timing?
Maybe Friday is the best day for you as you wind down for the weekend, or perhaps you would rather get some ideas earlier in the week so they aren’t lost. This super scientific poll will help us show up best for you so, please fill in if you can. 💜
The best perspective I’ve heard about navigating boundaries comes in the form of a metaphor, popularized by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their book, aptly named, Boundaries.
When setting boundaries, imagine them like fences, instead of walls, and those you’re creating boundaries with like your neighbors.
For me, this idea was pivotal at a time when I saw difficult relationships as failures and thought cutting people off completely was the only way. But no person is perfect and neither is any relationship, so constructing a fence, instead of a spiky wall, allows grace for that truth. Let’s color it in:
You build a fence around your house to signal things like this is my territory or please ask before entering. On your side of the fence, you water your garden, decorate your house and get comfortable with your surroundings. It’s your home, after all! But, from your side of the fence, you can also happily wave to your neighbors as you walk to the car, lean against it for an afternoon chat, or even unlock the gate and invite someone in for tea.
Here’s the distinction, though: When your conversation is done or the teapot is empty, your neighbor goes back to their home and you go back to yours.
You see, the largest misconception about boundaries is that they are put in place to keep someone or something out of our lives. Sometimes, that’s what’s called for, but that’s less of a boundary and more of a block, yeah?
Boundaries are how we keep people in.
Nice Work Needs Boundaries
While it’s often the intertwinings of our personal life and more intimate relationships that may require a loving lens of boundary setting, I’m 100% sure I’m not the only one who’s tried to figure out how to construct some fences in the workplace - both in regard to the work itself (AKA when to pause) and the people I’ve worked with.
The reality is, most of us spend a pretty substantial amount of our week working. And though I do genuinely hope that every person finds a certain level of fulfillment, purpose, and enjoyment in their jobs, work is work. Even if you love what you do. You’re either on someone else’s time and dime, or if you’re an entrepreneur, you’re on your own time and dime, and I speak from experience when I say that while liberating, it’s still… definitely work. 🫠
Before we can clearly see the road to how we find balance and boundaries at work, we’ve gotta get intimate with the why.
Why Boundaries?
Getting clear on our why for building some fences is one of the hardest parts of boundary work.
We typically look to instill a boundary when we notice that something isn’t working in the current dynamic. If it’s a person-to-person dynamic, both parties might feel this way, but more commonly, it’s just you, or just them. It could be that you’re left feeling emotionally drained, low on time, unsupported or taken advantage of, among a slew of other not-great sensations.
If we’re paying attention, we typically can feel when something isn’t working. However, what I’ve noticed, again and again, is that we begin to over-rationalize or make excuses for why the dynamic is okay, or, why the dynamic is one we don’t have the power to change.
The commitment to our personal why gets lost in the process, and so does our will to build the boundary. Remember, your well-being matters, just as much (aka more) than your boss or team’s expectation of you. It’s not to say that you should avoid being held accountable by your team or yourself for that matter. Just a better balance between that and your self-accountability and how you value and advocate for your own life. In other words: work should fit inside your life, not take it over.
So, if something about your work dynamic isn’t working, you probably need a boundary. And while it would be soOoOo easy peasy to say that in all cases the other person is the problem, boundaries work best when we recognize that, sometimes, the person keeping us from a happier, healthier relationship with our work and peers, is ourselves. Raise your hand if “no” is the hardest word for you in the English language. Mhmm, you’re not the only one. If we keep the lens of connectivity, instead of punishment, when instilling boundaries, it’s far less about “you’re doing wrong by me” and more about “here’s a new direction for our mutual dynamic that will help us all.”
How Boundaries?
I wish there was a manual to follow that would guarantee success on the subject of boundaries, both with others and ourselves, but unless you’re a machine or your boss is a robot (*activates existential fear of AI* 🫣), there is no exact way. Sharing hard ways of being isn’t really my style anyway. So instead, I’m pulling from experience and past discussion to give you a handful of considerations on boundaries. I hope they will make actioning them easier for you.
Setting a Boundary with Another Person or Other People
Whether boss, peer, friend, or lover: communication in a cocktail of firmness and kindness is typically a good place to start. I’ve found that gentle boundaries can also be set in the rhythm of your natural dynamic with someone, versus needing to plan a specific time to discuss a change you need (though we’ll cover that too.)
Learn and practice “no”.
So simple. Not easy.
Look, you probably don’t want to disappoint people. Or you’re afraid that saying no will cause your boss or coworker to lose respect for you, or even be mean to you (never okay). But if a request pops up that’s outside of your scope of work, isn’t within working hours, or if it’s a request that doesn’t have consideration for your personal commitments, time, or humanness, try a version of “no” that works for you. In some cases, it may not be a flat-out one-word answer. It might be more of a redirection that allows you a bit more ownership and respect for your time.
Offer a new way.
My tried and true addition to the “no”, is to add a suggestion or prompt that opens up a new approach to the task at hand. This definitely isn’t always necessary, but I find it helpful in the workplace, where I value my personal qualities of leading with optimism and a helping hand. (Not equivalent to figuring out everyone else’s problems for them, to be clear!)
Here’s what it might sound like to put your sacred “no” and a suggested new approach together:
A request in your scope of work:
I won’t be able to get to that today with the other priorities on my list. Does tomorrow by 11am work?
I have a commitment this evening and can’t work late. Here’s what I can get done before the end of the day…
My day is really full, could I ask for your help to prioritize these projects to fit this new item in?
A request outside of your scope of work:
I don’t have a ton of experience with this because it’s outside of my scope of work. Is there someone else that might be able to do this more efficiently?
I can’t take on the entirety of this project, but here’s what I can do…
A request outside of your working hours
*Simply don’t respond until your working hours begin again* - I know this might seem really hard, but it gently signals your availability to your coworkers. If you’re online all night and super responsive post-work, your coworkers will continue to lean on you during those times. When you start to hold the boundary, your team will start to learn it too, and fingers crossed, bother you less.
*If you want to respond*
Sounds good! I’ll see where I can add this to my day when I’m back online tomorrow morning. Have a great night!
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Standing up for yourself is no walk in the park at first. It feels scary. Especially if we’re attaching the vision others hold of us to our personal worth. This was me. This still IS me sometimes. I want to be liked and valued, as most of us do. But what I’ve learned is that though uncomfortable, I like and value myself a little more every time I stick up for myself, and do the hard thing. And that’s gold. Plus, the more I build my endurance for discomfort, the more I’m able to show up in a deep well of situations with confidence and calm, and those around me seem to really value that.
Get back-up.
You might be reading this and thinking to yourself, but Jade, you just don’t get how impossible my situation is.
Oh, my friend, I do. You may have a boss that really is trying to make your life miserable or coworkers who actually don’t have an ounce of respect for your time or are putting all their work on you. In this case, it may be helpful to collect a bit of backup information to support your cause for needing to set a boundary. If you have a scope of work, memorize it and refer back to it when you need to draw some lines. If you don’t have one, set a meeting with your boss to create it so you can better prioritize your time.
As a reference, your scope of work should include the following:
The type of work you are responsible for - get as granular as possible. The age of wearing many hats (AKA doing the jobs of 6 people) is dead, IMO, especially if you work for someone else. Hone in on your expertise and scale it.
Your rate/salary agreement in relation to the time you spend working. Ie: $75 per hour for up to 40 hours a month
Separate rates for different types of work you do. Are you a videographer + digital creative? Your rate for editing existing content might be different than creating something brand new.
Talk about intention.
If a dedicated conversation is necessary to make a big shift in your current dynamic with someone, try framing the conversation around what you intend to help build by shifting the dynamic, how you’d like to feel, or what you hope for instead of focusing your words on what you think the other person is doing wrong. Coming into a conversation bursting with blame is a surefire way to have things not go your way. We’re all human and we’ve all got feelings, even if some of us present like the tin man. Remembering that the goal of the conversation isn’t to dump someone’s crap back onto them, but to invite a new way of being in relationship (even at work) allows us to move through it with a little more care.
Setting a Boundary with Yourself
Here, if you believe it, is where it often gets most sticky. Sometimes we have super understanding and fair bosses and team members. We might even have teams who openly and actively encourage us to take time for ourselves or log off by 6 pm, and offer generous flexibility for us to do human being things, like take an impromptu mental health day or clear a meeting to make a doctor’s appointment. Sometimes the person we have to have a hard conversation with about a dynamic that isn’t working is ourselves.
Notice how you feel.
Hard rule and a good Step 1. Your body does not lie. Never. Promise. Start to get curious about how your body reacts to your work day. How does it feel to wake up in the morning on a work day? Is your first thought about what might be waiting in your inbox or Slack group? How does your body feel when you’re skipping lunch because your project timeline feels too big to derail (even for a basic human need)? What’s the state of your nervous system when you realize at 9 pm you haven’t blinked in like, 4 hours, and you’re the only one still online? Just notice it. Maybe even write it down. Then, ask yourself about all your feelings. Do I want more of this or do I want less? When you stick to the sensation of it all, you’ll find out real quick what’s not working.
You are not the exception.
We can spend a whole lotta life preachin’ about taking care of ourselves and a whole lot less practicing it. We tend to offer a ton of generosity to everyone around us, and save ourselves for last, when our cup is empty and we have nothing left to give. We put ourselves last because we can get away with it. But just like “getting away” with anything… it feels like pushing the limit on something, and at some point, something’s gotta give and it may not be pretty.
We learn from the world around us, but our life shifts most dramatically through our self-practices. Devotion. Discipline. It’s what allows us to find happiness WHILE making room to support others, instead of choosing others over us. If others deserve grace, so do you.
Consider what it looks like to best support your needs (a whole dedicated post on what those needs could be coming soon!), how you want to feel in relation to your work, and what an ideal situation looks like if your attachment to the way you’re doing things now (that’s not really working) disappeared.
And yes! Sometimes the reason we have so much trouble dropping a tendency or pattern that doesn’t serve us is that in some way, it actually does. So maybe the question is, what is tirelessly working/ignoring my needs actually doing for me? An attachment I’ve noticed in myself in the past: a connection to martyrdom and a deep need to prove my value through my doing, even if the only one that sees how much I’m doing is me. Oof. This stuff is not always gorgeous to look at.
Okie doke? Now the grand finale:
Actually do the boundary.
In 3 words: talk is cheap. If you find yourself, like many of us do, in a revolving door of “next time I’ll do this differently,” it might be time to re-evaluate your self-accountability. You might totally be at a point where you clearly see what needs to change, but putting it into practice has you stumped. Try this:
Write down an affirmation or memorize one to say to yourself that reminds you of the truth about who you are in relation to your work. An example: I do really good work, but my worth is not my work. I honor my worth when I pause my work to take care of myself.
Make a list of the personal boundaries you want to make for yourself, like only doing non-work, nourishing things until 9 am instead of scrolling your email, or if you work from home, taking a walk twice a day for fresh air and a mental break.
Reward yourself when you do the things. With your list handy, you’ll know just what you’ve done for yourself when you’ve done it. Tell yourself “good job.” Say it out loud. It helps.
Find an accountability partner who can remind you of the why’s and the how’s of the boundaries you’d like to set with yourself, on the days, weeks, or months when it feels impossible to do it alone.
Seasoned boundary setters know that even well-established fences need a little upkeep sometimes, so it’s especially important to remember that a try-and-fail, a try-and-half-win, and a full-blown-boundary-win are all actually wins.
The support of your boundaries will happen in the practice of them.
Report back!
Jade
Links We Love
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
The Sugar Jar by Yasmine Cheyenne (also love Yasmine’s Instagram for digestible reminders on self-worth and boundary setting in your feed)
What boundary-setting resources have you found especially helpful? Comment below!
✨Rachel’s 5 cents
^ Boundaries are the most important work you can do to create a nicer workplace. It’s worth doing for you, yes, but it also makes it easier for someone else (including more junior humans) to do it too. Imagine the junior, new-to-work you, you once were. How meaningful could it have been if you had a manager show you what healthy boundary-setting looks like?
You can start the wave of nice boundaries you wish you could have had. 🙏
Second, and the more capitalistic note 🫠:
You gotta do this boundary work, because no one is going to do it for you.
Even if you have the nicest boss, at the chillest workplace, working with the most awesome customers/clients/humans - that job will take as much of you as you’re willing to give. And it’s not even like they’re holding your feet over the fire to DO MORE STUFF - it’s just that they don’t live in your inbox, they don’t know your to-do-list, and probably don’t think about you that much. So unless you say “when,” they’re not gonna know.
This only gets more true the less-nice your workplace is. Except in this case, we can make the argument that they might and SHOULD know that asking you for something at 10 pm is not ok, and they just don’t care - but they definitely won’t ever care if they think they’re getting away with it.
The only person who can challenge this dynamic is you. You can do it. 💛