At Nice Work, we talk a lot about how to deal with and overcome workplace relationships and patterns that are low-key (or blatantly) toxic or don’t feel great in one way or another. In our separate careers, we’ve both placed our own heavy doses of blame on others’ behavior for messing up our workflow, disempowering us, or creating a working environment we simply don’t enjoy being in. Blaming someone else is easy, but relationships of all kinds are a dance. We ALL have a role to play if something isn’t working. And if we’re gonna dish the how-to on dealing with others, we better be ready to confront the flip side of the coin. How and why do we (me and you, and you and you) contribute to and even provoke problematic dynamics?
It takes a lot of courage to live a life of accountability. In such a life, we have to admit when we’re wrong, when we’ve made a mistake, and acknowledge that we have the potential to wound people both intentionally and by accident (ouch). What makes owning our actions so hard?
The more we know, the more change must follow. Once we see it… we can’t unsee it. And then we have to do something about it. And taking action to repattern ourselves is really, REALLY hard work. Period.
We fear meeting ourselves fully, especially the shadowy parts because somewhere along the way we learned that having these parts strips us of being valuable human beings. It doesn’t. Promise.
Seeing yourself and your motives clearly, especially when they’re not exactly pure, isn’t meant to bring up pangs of “omg I’m a bad person.”
In fact, as our inner vision of ourselves meets reality, it opens up the capacity for grander and more complete self-love. You can love who you are but still want to change something. You can try your absolute hardest to do good by everyone and still cause pain. Being a member of the sticky situation club is a birthright, so it’s less about avoidance and more about self-awareness so that you know how to get unstuck.
How is this happening for me?
Think about any work situation, dynamic, or conversation that feels uncomfortable or distinctly like it was hand-crafted to ruin your day. Perhaps it’s a coworker you find difficult to work with. An employee who challenges your nerves. A human in charge you feel is on another plane of reality.
Take your example and make it about you with a new lens. Instead of “why is this happening to me?”, try, “how is this happening for me?”
The moment we see it as an opportunity to get clearer about ourselves, we have the power to shift how we see the dynamic. And not just how we see it! We can change the dynamic itself, too.
Get curious:
Why does this behavior/dynamic bother me?
What do I need that I’m not receiving?
What am I not communicating because I think it’s the other’s responsibility to know?
What am I hoping for in being upset with this person?
What am I choosing to overlook about this person’s experience?
Is this person doing it wrong, or just different from my way?
Am I insecure about something related to this dynamic? Am I projecting that on this person?
Is there a boundary in this relationship I could hold more firmly?
The above is internal. It’s the stuff we move through ourselves, with a trusted mentor or friend, or with our therapist. The more we do it, the more we can activate and recognize the reality of our situation in real-time, which usually helps diffuse it in real-time too.
Make room for your reflection until the conversation can become a two-way street.
Be the shift.
Holding yourself accountable is hard; owning up to your part in front of an audience is downright hero status. It takes guts to meet relationships, particularly ones at work, with vulnerability. So as you grow your sea legs, try these perspective shifts:
Get objective.
As a deeply feeling person (and I’m sure some of you are too), this one has always been especially tough for me. But I’ve seen the magic of objectivity for myself, even in some of my speediest “why me” spirals. Look at the situation like a puzzle to solve. Focus on the concrete elements that make it up and remember that it doesn’t always have to be personal. It's everyone against the problem, not you against them.
Drop the hierarchy.
Early in my career, I was struggling in a role where I didn’t have adequate support. I had an open conversation about it with a “higher-up” who answered my concern with “for a while in your career, you just have to pay your dues.” She meant that I was at the bottom of the totem pole and that I should expect things to be hard until I work my way up. I remember ferociously disagreeing then, and I still do now. You could be a CEO or an entry-level assistant - there is no title on earth that grants you blind respect or gives anyone a permission slip to walk all over you. Consider if it’s you that may be expecting respect or treating someone else like a “small fish” because of their role. Do you see yourself as a “small fish”? - is your view of the situation adding a hierarchical, superior flavor to work experiences that might not be there?
Be human.
We’re all moving through our own separate but connected worlds. Our own struggles, life events, learned habits, and natural gifts. And all are uniquely human, though that’s the one thing we know we do have in common. So though circumstances and details may be different, it’s helpful to remember that if you can recognize yourself as a well-meaning person who genuinely wants to be appreciated, find belonging, and invite more ease into life, you can bet that they do too.
Be an example.
Fighting fire with fire just makes more fire. If you’re about to stoop to someone’s level in a blurred moment of revenge to give that person a taste of their own medicine, stop right there. This is the bravest act of all - choosing to pave a new path in a relationship dynamic that feels set in stone. But I dare you to lead by example. Try kindness, a new approach, and a clarifying question. Show up as your role model would. Sometimes such an act is the key that unlocks the potential of a new way of working together, that feels, in the simplest of terms, better.
See what happens,
Jade